Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and profound reflection. Your perspective on grief, loss, and atheism is both moving and thought-provoking.
In a world where religious narratives often dominate discussions about bereavement, your honest and articulate account offers an important and often underrepresented viewpoint. Your ability to find solace in reason rather than faith is a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit.
Wishing you and Bonnie strength, support, and continued compassion from those around you. Your words will undoubtedly resonate with and comfort many.
Thank you for your vulnerability and this important viewpoint. I’m glad you and your wife are comforted by your beliefs. I’m sorry about your double loss, a devastating fire and a loss of your daughter must be unbearable at times. To be able to write about it show incredible strength, and I admire that. Do you, and whatever helps heal you - keep doing that! Love is the only thing that is real.
First, I’d like to point out what St. Pope John Paul II called “practical atheism”. That is, those who profess Christ as savior yet live as if He isn’t.
One thing that is ubiquitous yet often goes unseen or unacknowledged, is that all humans feel and struggle with loss and calamity much the same way. The difference being a matter of philosophy. My time as a combat medic on the battlefield and my time as an EMT and later as an RN working in Trauma 1 ER, in one’s final moments of life, there are observable differences between the faithful and those whom do not espouse faith or God.
That said, as a man of faith, I’ve never known a person wether in their last moments of life or recovering from tragedy that doesnt appreciate the genuine concern and desire of another to offer any comfort or encouragement. Including prayer. I was told by a patient once “Oh don’t waste your time praying for us, we’re atheists” to which I replied, “Well, then if it works consider it a bonus that won’t show up on your bill. Just leave the believing to me”. In any other circumstance, that likely would have led to a debate or me being told to hit the bricks.
God is not in the disaster, He’s in what comes after.
We are, after all, hardwired to believe in something greater than ourselves (neuroscience is indeed a groundbreaking frontier of science).
For those interested in a philosophical discussion of faith in times of tragedy, I recommend the book A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken.
Being an atheist myself and having recently lost the love of my life I'm afraid I'm not buying the general message here. While it's true that suicide is a special case (and it's the only way this argument has any weight at all) I envy the religious people who can -ultimately - take some small level of solace in the belief that there are things that God does that we are not meant to understand. Or even better, the belief that I might see my love again in the afterlife. And religion isn't as strict as it was in Lewis' time. As Christopher Hitchens wrote, we now take things a la carte. So I'm sure you can be religious now and still believe your loved one can commit suicide and still go to heaven. Is it inconsistent? Yes, but that's besides the point with religion: to make death and loss feel slightly more tolerable. As for being wracked with guilt: there is no way that this author isn't just as wracked by guilt - not because he believes it's a sin but because, like myself, he and his wife will imagine what they could have done differently to prevent this tragedy. They may well know on a deep level that it's not their fault, but that doesn't stop the human mind from thinking "What could I have done differently...? Maybe this...? Maybe that...?" In the end, sincerely, my deepest condolences. I know how bad this is, atheist or not. Like me, he and his wife are now part of a club that no one wants to be a part of - losing someone well before their time.
Even the Catholic Church has backed way off on “unforgivable sin”. The only sin that cannot be forgiven is “blaspheming the Holy Spirit” suicide is not that. Both secular and theological biblical scholars agree on that point.
I hope this gives you some clarity. For my part, know that I’ll remember you and what you’re experiencing
Tim, I was so sorry to read about your loss. I know the maelstrom of emotions you and your family must be experiencing. I hope that writing this article has provided some comfort during this incredibly difficult time.
Reading your words brought back memories of losing my own son over ten years ago. One of the most striking things I remember was the number of people who, with absolute certainty, seemed to know where he was or wasn't. This certainty felt unsettling and unhelpful. They were compelled to tell me where my son was, as if possessing special knowledge that could somehow alleviate the pain of his absence.
I hope people give you the space and time you need to find your own way through this grief. The coming years will be filled with thoughts of Arwen, and learning to live with her absence will be a long and difficult journey. My thoughts are with you.
Wonderful, Tim. You're so caring and thoughtful. Thank you for opening your heart to us all. My deep sadness at the loss of Ari's presence- of the body, anyway. You are treasuring her in your hearts and there she will always be alive. My love to both you and Bon. <3
My first thought hearing this tragic event (your daughter's suicide)was that maybe if she had some sort of "faith" , not necessarily traditional Abrahamic religion, she would have seen some hope for her future. My observation is that secular atheists struggle with depression and nihilism a lot more than believers. Just my two cents... I can't imagine loosing one of my children.
I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your home and daughter Tim. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in your time of grief. I sometimes worry about how I would deal with the loss of loved ones, and reading your perspective has brought me some comfort. Thank you, and I wish you the very best.
Not to be overly judgemental, but in my opinion you as a father should've asked yourself how can you have helped your daughter more with her depression. Not how you can cope with her death so that you can feel ok and move on.
Thank you. This is a helpful insight into an atheistic view of loss. I hope you find solace (and joy) in the memories. I would like to point out that the rest of CS Lewis' musing on the loss of his wife left him in a very different place that is suggested here. He said, "My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not
almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence?" Learning and growing. As you noted, while working through his grief he states that God gave him "a rather special sort of “No answer.” By his later writings, I believe his faith was tested, but passed the test. Like Job, he did not get the answer he expected, but did get an answer he could appreciate.
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and profound reflection. Your perspective on grief, loss, and atheism is both moving and thought-provoking.
In a world where religious narratives often dominate discussions about bereavement, your honest and articulate account offers an important and often underrepresented viewpoint. Your ability to find solace in reason rather than faith is a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit.
Wishing you and Bonnie strength, support, and continued compassion from those around you. Your words will undoubtedly resonate with and comfort many.
Well said, Dan!
Thank you for your vulnerability and this important viewpoint. I’m glad you and your wife are comforted by your beliefs. I’m sorry about your double loss, a devastating fire and a loss of your daughter must be unbearable at times. To be able to write about it show incredible strength, and I admire that. Do you, and whatever helps heal you - keep doing that! Love is the only thing that is real.
First, I’d like to point out what St. Pope John Paul II called “practical atheism”. That is, those who profess Christ as savior yet live as if He isn’t.
One thing that is ubiquitous yet often goes unseen or unacknowledged, is that all humans feel and struggle with loss and calamity much the same way. The difference being a matter of philosophy. My time as a combat medic on the battlefield and my time as an EMT and later as an RN working in Trauma 1 ER, in one’s final moments of life, there are observable differences between the faithful and those whom do not espouse faith or God.
That said, as a man of faith, I’ve never known a person wether in their last moments of life or recovering from tragedy that doesnt appreciate the genuine concern and desire of another to offer any comfort or encouragement. Including prayer. I was told by a patient once “Oh don’t waste your time praying for us, we’re atheists” to which I replied, “Well, then if it works consider it a bonus that won’t show up on your bill. Just leave the believing to me”. In any other circumstance, that likely would have led to a debate or me being told to hit the bricks.
God is not in the disaster, He’s in what comes after.
We are, after all, hardwired to believe in something greater than ourselves (neuroscience is indeed a groundbreaking frontier of science).
For those interested in a philosophical discussion of faith in times of tragedy, I recommend the book A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken.
Being an atheist myself and having recently lost the love of my life I'm afraid I'm not buying the general message here. While it's true that suicide is a special case (and it's the only way this argument has any weight at all) I envy the religious people who can -ultimately - take some small level of solace in the belief that there are things that God does that we are not meant to understand. Or even better, the belief that I might see my love again in the afterlife. And religion isn't as strict as it was in Lewis' time. As Christopher Hitchens wrote, we now take things a la carte. So I'm sure you can be religious now and still believe your loved one can commit suicide and still go to heaven. Is it inconsistent? Yes, but that's besides the point with religion: to make death and loss feel slightly more tolerable. As for being wracked with guilt: there is no way that this author isn't just as wracked by guilt - not because he believes it's a sin but because, like myself, he and his wife will imagine what they could have done differently to prevent this tragedy. They may well know on a deep level that it's not their fault, but that doesn't stop the human mind from thinking "What could I have done differently...? Maybe this...? Maybe that...?" In the end, sincerely, my deepest condolences. I know how bad this is, atheist or not. Like me, he and his wife are now part of a club that no one wants to be a part of - losing someone well before their time.
Even the Catholic Church has backed way off on “unforgivable sin”. The only sin that cannot be forgiven is “blaspheming the Holy Spirit” suicide is not that. Both secular and theological biblical scholars agree on that point.
I hope this gives you some clarity. For my part, know that I’ll remember you and what you’re experiencing
Tim, I was so sorry to read about your loss. I know the maelstrom of emotions you and your family must be experiencing. I hope that writing this article has provided some comfort during this incredibly difficult time.
Reading your words brought back memories of losing my own son over ten years ago. One of the most striking things I remember was the number of people who, with absolute certainty, seemed to know where he was or wasn't. This certainty felt unsettling and unhelpful. They were compelled to tell me where my son was, as if possessing special knowledge that could somehow alleviate the pain of his absence.
I hope people give you the space and time you need to find your own way through this grief. The coming years will be filled with thoughts of Arwen, and learning to live with her absence will be a long and difficult journey. My thoughts are with you.
Wonderful, Tim. You're so caring and thoughtful. Thank you for opening your heart to us all. My deep sadness at the loss of Ari's presence- of the body, anyway. You are treasuring her in your hearts and there she will always be alive. My love to both you and Bon. <3
My thoughts and condolences to you. I will say I've never needed religion to deal with death or to want to live. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
My first thought hearing this tragic event (your daughter's suicide)was that maybe if she had some sort of "faith" , not necessarily traditional Abrahamic religion, she would have seen some hope for her future. My observation is that secular atheists struggle with depression and nihilism a lot more than believers. Just my two cents... I can't imagine loosing one of my children.
I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your home and daughter Tim. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us in your time of grief. I sometimes worry about how I would deal with the loss of loved ones, and reading your perspective has brought me some comfort. Thank you, and I wish you the very best.
Not to be overly judgemental, but in my opinion you as a father should've asked yourself how can you have helped your daughter more with her depression. Not how you can cope with her death so that you can feel ok and move on.
downvote. A nasty thing to say to a grieving parent.
Thank you. This is a helpful insight into an atheistic view of loss. I hope you find solace (and joy) in the memories. I would like to point out that the rest of CS Lewis' musing on the loss of his wife left him in a very different place that is suggested here. He said, "My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not
almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence?" Learning and growing. As you noted, while working through his grief he states that God gave him "a rather special sort of “No answer.” By his later writings, I believe his faith was tested, but passed the test. Like Job, he did not get the answer he expected, but did get an answer he could appreciate.